MS = is a campaign the National MS society currently has to spread the word about MS and how it affects individuals from their point of view. It is a pretty neat way to educate people about MS. People have expressed many different viewpoints of what MS equals for them…..some looking at the positive and some looking at the more obvious negative aspects of the disease. (You can click on the link above in the text to find out more if you are interested.)
Honestly, depending on the day, my mood and how I feel, MS equals different things to me, some frustrating and some, well, yes positive. Some of the positive things MS equals are a few of the lessons I have learned from MS. These lessons include learning to pace myself better and not let myself get overwhelmed with things or by people that are out of my control; Learning to take care of myself, so that I can be better for those that I love; Learning to just not worry so much and truly turn everything over to God; Learning, and this is an important one, to live more in the HERE AND NOW rather than in the past or the future.
However, there are also times when MS equals something that is not so positive for me as well. One of those times is Father’s Day. First, I would like to clarify that I have the most amazing Daddy.
He is pretty special to me and I feel so blessed to have been put in his arms at three days old, many years ago. But there was another man, a father that I never knew and never got to meet because he never even knew I existed, and I waited too long to initiate any type of contact with him (see above lesson!). I am honestly angry about this situation. Perhaps this anger is just how I am exhibiting the anger phase of the grief process for being diagnosed because I haven’t had too much anger associated with my diagnosis. I don’t know, but I do know that I am angry at myself for waiting so long. I can’t do anything about my procrastination now so I am trying not to hold on to this anger at myself (once again see above lesson) but I am SO ANGRY AT MS because of it. Maybe it is easier for me to be angry at MS about it than myself or anyone else because I can yell and scream and cry at MS and it has nothing to say back. I would like to clarify that I am not even mad about my own MS (maybe denial phase?), because you see it was HIS MS that I blame for taking him before I could work up the nerve to contact him. It was my MS that eventually did lead me to contact his family, which I am glad that I finally did. I have learned a little about him and seen pictures and learned some about the course of his disease. I hope to someday forgive his MS, but not today. I am holding that grudge for now. So MS = Mixed emotions for me on Father’s Day.
For those of you that know me, you know that I am not a “down” person. I realize this post is really a downer and I didn’t mean for it to be, but it has been weighing on me for several weeks now and I felt the need to get it off my chest. Whew, feel better now! Thanks for listening!
Jamie, You need to give yourself a break! Since you had such a wonderful 'daddy', there is no reason why you would have worried about contacting your birth father any sooner! You did what anyone else in your situation would have done---loved the 'daddy' that was holding you in his loving arms! Remember, that street runs in both directions, and your birth father did not contact you any sooner either! Just be thankful that God gave you a loving 'daddy' to raise you and be there for you! Not everyone was that lucky!!!
ReplyDeleteSandra, I am very thankful for my Daddy. As far as my birth-father contacting me, he had no way to do so as he NEVER KNEW I EXISTED. He died without knowing my birth-mother was pregnant or the fact that I was ever even born, so he did not have the option of contacting me. Since my Momma and Daddy were always very open with me about what they knew about my birth family (which was very limited) I was always very interesting in finding them or finding out about them. My post, to me, is really about MS robbing me of that opportunity with him due to him (my birth-father) also having MS. It in no way is meant to negate my relationship with my daddy. He is very well aware of how I feel about him and the desire I have had about my birth family even so far as helping me petition to have my adoption records unsealed when I was in my twenties. So you see while I wasn't 'worried' about contacting my birth-father the desire has always been there and I missed the boat.....that is really what I was trying to get at. Maybe I missed the mark in conveying that. :(
ReplyDeleteJamie
ReplyDeleteI know we have not met in person and I am truly sorry that you are having to go through this horibble disease, however I do want you to know that my father (and yours) would have loved you unconditionally had he known about you. He was a great man, with an amazing spirit and sinse of humor. Alot like you he too tried to see the positive in things. I know things have been crazy in my life right now and I will do better as far as getting you more pictures and so forth so that you can learn more about him...my thoughts and prayers are with you
Linnea, Thank you so much. :) One of the positives I am thankful for to my MS is finally bringing you into my life. J
ReplyDeleteNo, Jamie, I did not think you were negating your relationship with your 'daddy'! I know you love him and appreciate the part he has played in your life! I guess I was just trying to remind you that hindsight is always 20-20! You are a very lucky young lady, as you now have a second family---something most of us never get a chance at! Hopefully they will help to make this time in your life a little bit easier for you!!!
ReplyDeleteHello Jamie, I think the anger phase for me is a mixture of anger and frustration. Frustration over not being able to do more because of circumstances and that makes me angry. I am keeping you in my prayers. Kathy C
ReplyDeleteKathy, I think you explained the frustration and anger combination very well. I appreciate the prayers and will also pray for you.
ReplyDeleteJamie