Monday, July 4, 2011
MS = and the Father’s Day Factor for me….
MS = is a campaign the National MS society currently has to spread the word about MS and how it affects individuals from their point of view. It is a pretty neat way to educate people about MS. People have expressed many different viewpoints of what MS equals for them…..some looking at the positive and some looking at the more obvious negative aspects of the disease. (You can click on the link above in the text to find out more if you are interested.)
Honestly, depending on the day, my mood and how I feel, MS equals different things to me, some frustrating and some, well, yes positive. Some of the positive things MS equals are a few of the lessons I have learned from MS. These lessons include learning to pace myself better and not let myself get overwhelmed with things or by people that are out of my control; Learning to take care of myself, so that I can be better for those that I love; Learning to just not worry so much and truly turn everything over to God; Learning, and this is an important one, to live more in the HERE AND NOW rather than in the past or the future.
However, there are also times when MS equals something that is not so positive for me as well. One of those times is Father’s Day. First, I would like to clarify that I have the most amazing Daddy.
He is pretty special to me and I feel so blessed to have been put in his arms at three days old, many years ago. But there was another man, a father that I never knew and never got to meet because he never even knew I existed, and I waited too long to initiate any type of contact with him (see above lesson!). I am honestly angry about this situation. Perhaps this anger is just how I am exhibiting the anger phase of the grief process for being diagnosed because I haven’t had too much anger associated with my diagnosis. I don’t know, but I do know that I am angry at myself for waiting so long. I can’t do anything about my procrastination now so I am trying not to hold on to this anger at myself (once again see above lesson) but I am SO ANGRY AT MS because of it. Maybe it is easier for me to be angry at MS about it than myself or anyone else because I can yell and scream and cry at MS and it has nothing to say back. I would like to clarify that I am not even mad about my own MS (maybe denial phase?), because you see it was HIS MS that I blame for taking him before I could work up the nerve to contact him. It was my MS that eventually did lead me to contact his family, which I am glad that I finally did. I have learned a little about him and seen pictures and learned some about the course of his disease. I hope to someday forgive his MS, but not today. I am holding that grudge for now.
So MS = Mixed emotions for me on Father’s Day.
For those of you that know me, you know that I am not a “down” person. I realize this post is really a downer and I didn’t mean for it to be, but it has been weighing on me for several weeks now and I felt the need to get it off my chest. Whew, feel better now! Thanks for listening!